


Alcohol is a Solution (But Only with Regard to Science)

by mememan



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Alcohol, Evil Xephos, Gen, Hospitalization, M/M, Morally Ambiguous Character, Poisoning, Yoglabs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 11:58:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4875973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mememan/pseuds/mememan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Originally Posted March 7, 2015)</p>
<p>Xephos needs to distract himself after Honeydew's main clone dies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alcohol is a Solution (But Only with Regard to Science)

Xephos stumbled through the halls of Yoglabs like a storm. He paused only to compose himself every time a testificate walked by and then immediately fell apart once they were gone from sight. 

Honeydew Honeydew Honeydew _Honeydew_

He didn’t want to think of him anymore. He wanted nothing but to get back to testing as soon as a new clone was spit out. He thought about science–or as close to science as they got in Yoglabs. Xephos leaned against a wall with a sigh and mentally brought up a list of the projects they had planned in the future. It was quite pleasant to reminisce about the experiments where at least one expendable employee ended up dead. He immediately regretted this train of thought when the subject of dead employees brought back his thoughts of Honeydew tenfold. 

He needed a drink. 

 

He managed to stumble into the pharmacy and caught Voskoboynikov brewing something. He gave a fake cough as he glanced at the wall of potions. 

“Mr. Xephos? What is it you want from me?" 

"Give me your strongest alcohol,” he said as he leaned on the countertop, a perfect picture of a man falling apart. 

“This is not a bar,” Voskoboynikov replied and went back to a bottle of what looked like grape flavored poison. 

“Well, as someone who outranks you, I say it is, at least until I’m done with it. And if you don’t give me something that will have me on my ass by the end of the night then I’ll get someone who will." 

Xephos’ hands shook as he made the threat. The pharmacist gave him a glare but placed a bottle of clear liquid in front of him. 

"That was not made for leisurely consumption,” he warned. Xephos took a swig of the drink and could immediately feel it destroying his insides. At least he knew the man wasn’t trying to cheat him with the weak stuff. 

“Any reason as to why you’re feeling particularly suicidal tonight,” inquired Voskoboynikov from his potion stand. 

“Not suicidal, just…” He struggled to say the word. “Sad?" 

"I thought that when you were sad you cried and ate ice cream.” A nasty cloud of smoke started spilling out of the bottle he held in his hand. 

“No! I mean, yes, but this is a different type of sadness. The type that requires medicinal alcohol to get through.” He took a swig from the bottle to illustrate his point. 

“How unfortunate." 

There was a lull in the conversation as Voskoboynikov worked on his concoction in dead silence. Xephos looked at the bottle in his hands and wondered how empty he’d have to make it until he stopped feeling.

"So,” Xephos started and cringed at how awkward he sounded. “What’re you working on?”

“Poison." 

"Care to elaborate?" 

"Deadly poison." 

Xephos opened and closed his mouth like a fish. He tried to find a way to keep the conversation going but with a sigh of resignation, he took a longer drink from his bottle. 

"You wish to test it out for me?" 

"What?” Xephos asked, surprised at how friendly the question sounded. 

“The potion. I need to know if it works." 

"Uh, sorry, I’m not in the mood to die tonight." 

Voskoboynikov quirked an eyebrow with skepticism as he glanced at the drink Xephos had in a death grip. 

"I was thinking more along the lines of using employees to their full potential.”

Xephos lifted his gaze from the countertop. 

“All you have to do is record their reactions and survival rate. It is not science without data, after all,” Voskoboynikov told him with a quick smile. 

“Alright,” Xephos said. “I’ll be back with the research after… Uh, after I finish this.” He lifted his hand and liquid sloshed around in the bottle. 

“As long as you can make that last for at least three test subjects,” Voskoboynikov said as he slid Xephos a clipboard along with multiple vials of the liquid in question. 

 

Finding employees to waste was a piece of cake–the lab was absolutely crawling with clones. What took long was convincing them to dance like bears while Xephos warmed up the hot plate. All they needed was one look to see that he was nearly falling on his face with every step. In this state, he was about as much of a threat as a toddler. 

He finally managed to corner a group in the break room. They looked like fresh clones, scared and new to the world of Yoglabs. Perfect.

“Excuse me,” Xephos slurred. “I req- uh- reck- I need help. With a thing. A drinking thing. Not, like, alcoholism. More like scienceism. Just drink the thing and I’ll ask you some questions." 

He glanced at the clipboard Voskoboynickers gave him and realized that the text was swimming in the page, like a drunk fish swimming in a fishbowl cocktail or something. His eyes began to hurt from trying to get the fish text to turn into sedentary English text. 

"Uh,” he started. He wasn’t planning on going back to Voskoboyo empty handed just because he drank himself into illiteracy. He glanced around the group and his eyes fell upon one testificate who was noticeably shorter than the rest. “You! Just, uh, just fill this in for me." 

He handed out the clipboard and vials like a shitty party Santa. The newly dubbed test subjects looked like caged animals. It brought out a feeling in Xephos that he could not place but was certain the alcohol had drowned long ago. Was it empathy? Compassion? Or maybe that’s what it felt like when alcohol burned a hole through vital organs. 

"Welp, bottoms up.”

He leaned on a wall and took a swig from his poison as they downed theirs. He thought it was poetic how they’d all end up on the floor by the end of their drinks. As the potion worked through the others, Xephos’ eyes grazed across the short one again. He looked genuinely concerned but made no move to help his coworkers. 

Xephos waited until the room grew silent save for the sound of pencil on paper. 

“How many was that?” he asked as he measured by eye how much liquor he had left. 

The pencil stopped and the white noise of the building began to fill the silence. “Two, sir." 

Xephos scratched his beard as he tried to remember how many he needed. He groaned when he finally worked out the math. 

"Goddamn it, I need one more." 

The news made the survivor tense up like a coil. He flinched like a wounded animal as Xephos grabbed him. 

"Come on, we gotta find someone before I pass out,” he said and led the testificate out into the halls by his hand. 

They did not get far before the alcohol made Xephos chatty again. 

“What’s ya name?" 

"Uh, it’s–" 

"You remind me of my friend. I’ll call you Honeytwo." 

"That’s not my name, sir." 

"No, of course not, asshole. I’m not an idiot. But I can’t really think of a pun for a short testificake while drunk off my ass." 

The person who was now Honeytwo decided it was best to not engage in any further conversation.

Xeph stumbled through the halls with Honeytwo in tow and used the man as an anchor and a navigator. By the fifth wall walked into he could feel his experiment buddy go from a cocktail of worry and survival instinct to angry concern. 

"Sir. Sir? I don’t think you should be out and about,” Honeytwo said. 

“But I promised!” Xephos whined and immediately regretted it. Honeytwo was not his friend even though he was a perfectly good temporary surrogate. 

“Promised what? To murder?" 

"It’s not murder if it’s for science." 

He could feel Honeytwo’s hand squeeze his with intent to hurt but he just squeezed back with a drunk smile. Honeytwo gave a sigh of disgust. 

"Why’re you so short anyways?" 

"There was a mix-up with the cloning process. I seem to have a bit of dwarf in me." 

Xephos felt guilt rake through him like he swallowed hot coals. 

"Oh." 

"Is that a problem?” Honeytwo sounded bitter. 

“It’s just that I’m out here doing all this to forget about a dwarf." 

"You hate dwarves so much you become a binge-drinking serial killer to forget them?" 

Xephos turned angrily on his heel to refute the accusation to Honeytwo’s face, but a surge of nausea stopped the words in his throat. He managed to turn away from Honeytwo in time to barf on the wall he was about to walk into. 

"Sir!” Honeytwo hovered by him, his concern overpowering the fact that Xephos was a monster. 

“I’m fine,” Xephos reassured and winced at how his mouth tasted like liquid death. 

“We should probably get you to the injury ward.” Honeytwo approached him cautiously, like one would a stray dog. 

“I’m fine!” Xephos shouted and punctuated his reassurance by giving the wall another barf coating. With every labored breath he could feel more vomit trying to push its way through his esophagus. 

“Why does the universe hate me?” He almost wept the question. 

“Karma?” Honeytwo offered and placed a hand reassuringly on his back. 

“If karma was a thing I’d be dead,” Xephos said with a bitter laugh. He wobbled as his legs began to fall asleep. 

“Sir, please, we should really get you to–" 

Xephos didn’t hear the rest as he fell face first into his own vomit. 

 

Xephos woke up to blinding whiteness and the smell of death. 

"Am I dead?" 

"You wish,” came a voice from the other end of the room. Xephos squinted into the light and could vaguely make out a person shape. 

“Where am I? And why am I,” Xephos asked and prayed that there was some mouthwash on hand. The voice stepped forward and it took Xephos a moment to realize that it was Dr. Testificate MD. 

“A little man brought you in for alcohol poisoning,” he replied and checked the machines Xephos was hooked up to. “Honestly? I’m surprised you’ve regained consciousness so quickly. You had enough alcohol in you to kill an elephant." 

The words "little man” made Xephos’ heart skip a beat before he remembered Honeytwo. He groaned as his hangover hit him like a hammer. 

“Did I… Did I do anything regrettable?" 

"Nothing serious; just killed some clones. You don’t have to worry about a public indecency charge or the like." 

Xephos gave a long sigh of relief. It cleared his head enough for a thought to break through.

"Wait, aren’t you dead?" 

"Oh, no, hahaha! That’s the original Dr. Testificate. I’m his clone.”

“Ugh, Jesus Christ, what’s with all the clones!”

“I don’t understand why you’re complaining. You’re the one that wanted cloning in the first place.”

“Cloning’s fine, it’s the clones that get on my nerves.”

Dr. Testificate MD rolled his eyes and checked the numbers on the machines once more.

“But speaking of clones… how’s Honeydew’s coming along?" 

"Hell if I know. I’m a medical doctor, not a cloning specialist. But when you stop playing twister with death you can go find out yourself." 

"And when will that be?”

“Don’t count on it being anytime soon. I’m not a miracle worker, either. I’d go rest some more if I were you; you’re gonna be spending a good while here. But, hey, maybe the short guy will come back and keep you company.”

“I doubt it,” Xephos said but the doctor had already walked off.

 

Xephos stood there in the break room with a clipboard and a migraine. He wondered how long this new clone would last and how much property damage there would be before it inevitably killed itself in some idiotic accident.

It only took the clone moments to dig its way into a large chasm, despite Xephos warning him to stop multiple times. As he heard the screams–which ended with a wet splat and then silence–he got out yet another form to request yet another clone.

God, did he need a drink.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my second fic ever in the yog fandom, and it was the first time I ever hit over a 1000 words. This is also the first time I've ever used AO3 and I hope I'm doing everything correctly...


End file.
